Sunday, May 1, 2011

The Royal Event Horizon

There are certain things that we must watch, if for no other reason than morbid curiosity. Those things include roadside accidents, YouTube laughing-baby videos and—the royal wedding.

Only in England could a millionaire’s daughter with a family coat of arms be regarded as a commoner. She also attended one of the most prestigious universities in the United Kingdom, which is where she met her future husband. Her simple wedding cost that country's taxpayers $20 million, but the cost was by no means limited to that.

After all, there was a fetching designer wedding gown, Rolls Royce and Bentley transportation through town to the church, live musicians and choirs for the service, a traditional 1902 State Landau horse-drawn carriage after the ceremony and enough body guards, foot soldiers and men on horseback to storm the Bastille.

Prince William maintains high standards in his cooking.
"He did cook for me at university… always with a bit of anger if something went wrong."—Kate Middleton (well, I think we can all agree that wrongly cooked food is a valid trigger for rage)

Let’s not forget, most brides expect such traditional floral arrangements as 20-foot potted maple trees lining the inside of the 10th-Century cathedral where they will exchange their vows. Acting out of conscience, this ethical couple chose a florist known for his sustainable approach to obscenely expensive flora. There was an estimated four tons of foliage, featuring live plants and trees rather than cut ones, with an emphasis on seasonal and organic flowers. Plants were nicked from the grounds of the royal estates as well as from British growers.

Maple treesthe traditional choice of young brides everywhere.
One million people lined the route from Buckingham Palace to Westminster Abbey, according to the London Metropolitan Police, who were staffed 5000-strong. Three billion viewers worldwide shared the event on television or Internet streams, according to The New York Times. Over 1900 invitees sat in the church to witness the ceremony.

Afterward, the newly married couple traipsed back to Buckingham Palace. There they enjoyed a Royal Air Force fly by (a 66-year-old Lancaster bomber from the Second World War flanked by Spitfire and Hurricane fighter planes followed by a modern jet formation) while everyone royal stood on the palace balcony, waving in a dignified manner to the unwashed masses below. The couple beat all previous records by kissing twice in front of a loudly appreciative crowd.

Around 600 people mingled at a lunchtime reception at Buckingham Palace given by The Queen. In a show of austerity, guests were limited to 15 hors d'oeuvres apiece. Then in the evening, in a more intimate affair, a lucky 300 close friends attended a dinner dance, also at Buckingham Palace, given by Charles, The Prince of Wales.

Nothing says long-awaited Royal Wedding like a Kate and Will clock.
All this carefully choreographed activity was recorded for posterity by 8500 journalists from around the world. The only unexpected moment was when the Prince and his bride took a several-block joy ride in his new 1969 Aston Martin. This gift from his father has its engine retrofitted to run on wine instead of petrol. Nice touch, Charles!

"I'd been planning it for a while but, as any guy out there will know, it takes a certain amount of motivation to get yourself going.”—Prince William regarding THE long-in-coming wedding proposal

Let us not forget that the Royal Wedding Day represents a day of triumph for Kate. She had shown extraordinary patience and unwavering courage in the face of William's matrimonial foot-dragging. Drawing on her British heritage, she steadfastly maintained a stiff upper lip for eight grueling years—no small feat for delicate facial muscles.

A trailblazer, the new Duchess of Cambridge garners some interesting distinctions. She is the first wife of a British monarch to have a university degree. She is the first to ever shack up with said ruler out of wedlock. She is also, at the advanced age of 29, the oldest bride in history to marry a future King of England. So she is the most age-advanced, best educated and naughtiest future Queen on record. All these are impressive accomplishments, upon which she can undoubtedly look back in years to come, with a deep sense of cackling satisfaction.

1 comment:

  1. As a possessor of the official plate for Robert's relief of Pretoria (Boer War), with VR (Victoria Regina) embossed upon the plate, I am appalled by your making light of her great, great grandson's wedding, only open to a few of their closest friends.
    Although the US has many fine attributes, it lacks a crowning glory such as that which we witnessed this week in Britain. That country along with Holland, Sweden, Denmark and Spain are highly enlightened nations with social reforms lacing here, such a cradle to grave health care.
    I would like to nominate Donald Trump to become our hereditary sovereign. Though it might take a week or two, the reaction, similar to that which occurred in France or Russia, might push us closer to our cousins in Europe.