Sunday, April 17, 2011

Zombie Spring

In 2011, I decided to do things differently than in years past. Instead of being sick in the fall, as I traditionally am, I caught a bad cold in April and am doing a personal reenactment of Night of the Living Dead (the original black & white version from 1968, mind you). In that movie, the radiation from a fallen satellite causes the recently deceased to rise from the grave and seek out the living to use as food.

Field Reporter: Are they slow-moving, chief?
Sheriff McClelland: Yeah, they're dead. They're all messed up.

The horrors of a spring cold.
Yep. I know how they feel. 

I spent this past weekend, lying in bed, coughing up a lung and moaning in incomprehensible zombie-speak to the marked annoyance of my husband. My unkempt home taunted me as I weakly lay in bed, surveying it through hostile, glassy eyes.

Something is terribly wrong here. Spring is not the time of year to lie around in bed sick. I should be frolicking in my front yard with the emerging daffodils, the only flowers I have been able to plant that aren’t brutally devoured by malicious neighborhood deer. I should be rejoicing that the oversupply of last winter’s snow has finally receded into mounds of gooey mud.

It is comforting to know that somewhere in the world, while I am suffering from an undignified post-nasal drip, happy people are gaily celebrating their culture's embodiment of the season. Here is a partial list of their April festivities:
  • April 4, Tomb Sweeping Day, Taiwan
  • April 6, Drop of Water Is a Grain of Gold Day, Turkmenistan
  • April 9, Martyrs Day, Tunisia
  • April 14, Orange Day, Japan (couples profess their love by exchanging... err... oranges)
  • April 15, Recollection of the Deceased Day, Republic of Georgia
  • April 16, Queen Margrethes' Birthday, Denmark
  • April 19, Landing of the 33 Patriots, Uruguay (celebrating Uruguayan independence fighters)
  • April 21, National Tree Planting Day, Kenya
  • April 23, Aragon Day, Spain (region in northeastern Spain that celebrates itself)
  • April 23, Peppercorn Day, Bermuda (not much to celebrate there, I guess)
  • April 26, Confederate Memorial Day, United States (Wonder what Walmart has planned for this holiday?)
  • April 27, Day of Resistance, Slovenia (commemorates heroes of WWII)
  • April 28, Day of Mourning for People Killed or Injured in the Workplace, Canada (A real holiday, which begs the question, just how common is this occupational carnage, anyway?)
  • April 30, May Day Eve, Finland
  • April 30, Witches Day, Sweden/Germany (see photo below)
As if to mock my brain-nomming state, when I finally dragged myself out to my car today to pick up some badly needed groceries, my gas gauge was below zero. I had just filled the car a few days ago. Had some enterprising teenager siphoned my petrol? I drove to the gas station to discover that the tank was still nearly full; my gas gauge was broken. I could either cough up my remaining lung to the tune of $400 to get it fixed or learn to guess when my car needs fuel. With the help of my trusty odometer, I have opted for the latter.

It's no mistake that April is Alcohol Awareness Month. It is also, coincidentally, Counseling Awareness Month and Irritable Bowel Syndrome Awareness Month. Doesn't that say it all?

Happy pyromaniacs burn things to celebrate Walpurgisnacht, or Witches Night, a traditional religious holiday celebrated by Pagans, Satanists and Roman Catholics (no joking)  in parts of central and northern Europe.

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